Matt fucked my wife. FUCKED. MY. WIFE. The details don't matter to anybody, anymore. What does matter is that Matt fucked my wife. Fuck you, Matt.




Saturday, September 3, 2016

Giving Up Hope

Without giving up hope - that there's somewhere better to be, that there's someone better to be - we will never relax with where we are or who we are.

To think that we can finally get it all together is unrealistic.  Believing in a solid, separate self, continuing to seek pleasure and avoid pain, thinking that someone "out there" is to blame for our pain...suffering begins to dissolve when we can question the belief or the hope that there's anywhere to hide.

We can know the nature of dislike, shame, and embarrassment and not believe there's something wrong with that.  We can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better "me" who one day will emerge.  We can' just jump over ourselves as if we were not there.  It's better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears.  Then some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises.

When we talk of hopelessness and death, we're talking about facing the facts.  No escapism. - Pema Chodron

Friday, September 2, 2016

Her Monster Is Me

She startled, gasped and stepped back as if to flee.
I stood to greet Her at dinner.

Panic filled Her eyes, fear flashed across Her face. 
I turned to face Her and started to speak.

Space Issues.

If Only Beloved

Once Her lover.  Now Her monster.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

I Love Her

Some things I may never understand
She may never understand Herself
I accept this

She doesn't try to lie or hide
does water try to flow
does wind try to blow
does light try to shine
I accept this

I accept Her

I love Her

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I Got Tested For HIV Today - Fuck You, Matt!

She told me, "Nothing happened."

I was almost home forever.

She hid.  She lied.

I waited 3 years to learn what Matt did to Us.

I got tested for HIV today.

HIV Test After Affair 

Friday, July 29, 2016

After The Deposition

I know.

I know names.

I know dates.

I know I wasn't "seeing things".

I know the past 3 years were 1 BIG Lie.

I know what I knew then, and far more now.

I know I'm sick.

I know we all lost.

I know I'm not the monster.

I know I need to be tested.

I know the pain won't stop just because I know.

I know.